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2022 Going Into 2023

Not only has the world experienced stagflation, my life in a big scheme of things also seemed to have stayed stagnant. Everything that I ever began doing has stalled. Every venture I explored and tried led to nowhere. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I wished if staying the same carries a positive meaning that it stayed that way at least for my financials. But, my financials have taken a big hit not only by the macro economy where the stock values have plummeted significantly but also for personal reasons, my savings have nearly drained. Using the word drained means it went wasted, it’s true, the money wasn’t used to any advancement or development, it went into settling debts, not my own debts or my own mistakes but debts of a family member I cannot not help.

Coming to year 2023, I realized I have become too dependent. I am no longer financially and emotionally independent and that is quite a scary position to be in. What if what I so dependent upon come crashing down, how would I hold on to my unrecognizable life?

I didn’t know what failure looked or felt like before. I only knew everything was going great in the past even while I started pivoting in my career. For awhile, I still knew what I wanted to do. But more and more, I feel disappointed in myself. I could not accomplish what I have set out for myself to do in pursuit of financial freedom. I didn’t turn out to be a big success like I thought and many people thought I would be. I am opposite of success in a total reality vs expectation kind of way.

I have a hope for resolution to a problem that has put my family in a state of struggle for many years. My hope and desire did not come true. I became spiritually dependent on the thought that if I manifest, it will come true. Needless to say, it hasn’t and my spiritual believe is more shaken than strengthen. Not because I feel lazy to work hard, certain things just aren’t necessarily related to working hard and since it is beyond my control, I couldn’t drive the result as efficiently as I’d like.

Speaking of manifesting and visualizing, my vision board is a complete failed, all my goals and ambitions are just wishes with no progress or hope in sight. It’s funny and embarrassing at the same time that I had such big dreams for myself and I hardly achieve any of it.

As negatively as it may sound, it is bad that I have no results to show for after all these years. I cannot give up. I am aware that I failed big time, the only thing I can do now is to define my directions and paths, and keep moving, baby step at a time.

A quote that resonated with me most recently is what Steve Jobs said in his speech for Stanford graduation years ago that went something like this, “You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future”.